


Fast Times at Presnensky District

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 1990s, Crack, Gen, Historical, Sibling Bonding, Weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 22:01:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2667947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ivan and Natalya get high and watch quality Russian television.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fast Times at Presnensky District

It was 1993 and Ivan Braginsky and Natalya Arlovskaya were both stoned off of their asses. This was not what Ivan had planned when he invited his newly independent younger sister over to his small Muscovite apartment, but no one intends for anything to happen, ever, do they? Probably not, he thought. It was Fast Times at Presnensky District, and no one was going to complain. 

He had the stereo turned up as high as it would go, blaring Gorky Park, the greatest kitschy glam metal band to ever come out of the metaphorical orgy that was post-Soviet Russia. It was their signature hit- Moscow Calling. Ivan had to confess that he had no idea what the song was even about, but in his drug-induced haze, he had no idea what anything was even about. Maybe it was a metaphor. Maybe it was the greatest thing ever written since Pushkin's Eugene Onegin. That seemed plausible at the time. Everything did. Truly, Gorky Park was going to be the shining gem of his country for years to come, he could feel this in the pit of his stomach, or maybe his heart, something like that, and that was all that mattered. 

Turning to his sister, he began to speak, in a slow voice befitting only the finest American stoner comedians, except he wasn't American, he was Russian, so maybe it was more like the finest Russian stoner comedians. Ivan was not sure if those existed or not. It was 1993. Anything was possible. 

He found himself in an enlightened state. He felt as if the world was melting or something like that. Everything felt like a dream, and this frightened him. What if it was a dream? What if there was no Ivan Braginsky? What if there was no Natalya Arlovskaya? What if there was no Gorky Pork, no Russia, no Belarus, no anything? The thought was horrifying, and he had to alert his beloved sister immediately. 

"Natka...Natka, what if...what if we're not real? What if everything is just a dream...just a dream in the mind of a child...that would be so fucked up...that would be so fucked up." 

Natalya turned towards him and ran a hand through his glorious ash blonde 1980's glam rocker mullet, and gave him a weird half-smile, laughing as she did so. It was truly a bizarre laugh, not one Ivan had ever heard from the Belarusian before. There was no malice to it, no sarcasm, no hint of irony. It was very sincere. Genuinely sincere, she genuinely found something funny, but he wasn't sure what. The state of the world was not a laughing matter. Maybe she wanted the world to be nothing but a dream, that seemed like something she would want, her interest in the paranormal and the occult did border on obsessive sometimes. Fuck. Maybe the world was a dream because of her? That would be fucked up, Ivan thought to himself.

As the sweet sound of Gorky Park's blissful hard rock melodies continued to play, Natalya began to spoke, in a voice as clear as the day itself.

"You know what, never mind, give me the remote, I want to show you something, I want to show you something that is going to make your life better, Vanechka." 

Ivan did as she said, and passed her the remote. She pressed a button and onto the television screen flashed the greatest thing Ivan Braginsky had ever seen in his thousand year existence on this planet. Forget Tarkovsky, forget Eisenstein, forget anything considered masterpieces of Russia cinema. This was a thousand, no, a million times better. This was high-quality television. The finest animation available. 

This was Captain Pronin. The grandson of legendary Soviet action hero Major Pronin. His flaming red buzz-cut inspired nothing but awe in the hearts of the two East Slavic siblings. The way his impossibly muscular frame was able to take out waves of American gangsters was nothing short of godlike, as if he were some sort of Eastern European Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ivan wiped a tear from his eye.

It was 1993, and anything was possible.

**Author's Note:**

> okay i should probably explain why i tagged this as historical, i'm sorry, i didn't know what else to call this, uh, very good piece of writing.
> 
> the 90's in post-soviet countries were really interesting, for lack of a better word, a lot of cartoons that probably were influenced by drugs came about, some bad hard rock bands were born, and so some friends and i also headcanon'd that a Lot of weed was done by ivan and natalya (and probably toris and raivis too) in the 90's because literally that's the only way i can explain the fuckery that happened in early post-soviet countries.
> 
> gorky park was a russian glam metal band famous for being one of the first russian bands to get...mainstream coverage, i should say? in america. they were really something and i highly recommend you look them up because it's an experience you won't forget.
> 
> i don't know where to begin explaining captain pronin; basically it's this cartoon from the early 90's that parodied american action movies, the protagonist is the grandson of a guy who is sort of the soviet james bond, i guess. i think a lot of people are probably familiar with him by now thanks to the incredible cr1tikal videos.
> 
> that's all i have to and i'm very sorry i've never smoked weed in my life and i don't know how this happened


End file.
